Coping With Grief at Christmas: Practical Ways to Get Through the Holidays

Christmas is loaded with sensory memories: the smell of their cooking, the sound of their laugh, the gifts they would have chosen, the seat they would have sat in. These triggers are everywhere, and they are unavoidable. Every advertisement, every carol, every family film reminds you of what is missing.

There is also the cultural pressure to be happy. Christmas is supposed to be joyful, and when you are grieving, that expectation can make you feel even more isolated. You might feel guilty for bringing everyone down, or angry that the world carries on as if nothing has happened. Both are normal responses.

The first Christmas after a loss is often anticipated with dread, and that anticipation can be as painful as the day itself. Many bereaved people find that the weeks leading up to Christmas are actually harder than Christmas Day, because the build-up forces you to confront the absence again and again.

It is also worth knowing that Christmas grief does not go away after the first year. The second, third, and tenth Christmases can all be hard in different ways. The sharp pain may soften over time, but the absence remains. That is not failure. That is love.

Traditions are one of the hardest parts. The things you always did together now have a hole in them. Some people find comfort in keeping traditions exactly as they were, because it honours the person who is gone. Others find it unbearable and need to change everything. Many fall somewhere in between: keeping some traditions and changing others.

Here are some ideas that bereaved people have found helpful:

• + Light a candle for them during Christmas dinner
• + Hang their stocking and fill it with written memories from the family
• + Set a place for them at the table, or choose not to, either is fine
• + Make their favourite food as part of the meal
• + Raise a glass to them before you eat
• + Donate to a charity in their name instead of exchanging gifts
• + Start a completely new tradition: a walk, a visit to a meaningful place, or a film they loved
• + Give yourself permission to skip traditions that feel too painful

Whatever you decide, you can change your mind. You might plan to skip a tradition and then find yourself wanting to do it after all. That is fine. Grief is unpredictable, and your plans are allowed to be flexible.

Children grieve differently from adults, and Christmas can bring up difficult questions. They may worry about whether it is OK to feel happy, whether Santa will still come, or whether other people they love will also die. Be honest with them in age-appropriate language. Let them know it is OK to feel sad and happy at the same time.

Some ideas that can help children:

• + Let them choose how to remember the person (making a card, hanging a decoration, drawing a picture)
• + Keep their routines as normal as possible; children find routine reassuring
• + Do not hide your own grief entirely; seeing you sad and then recovering teaches them that grief is manageable
• + Let them enjoy Christmas without guilt; children need permission to be children

Winston's Wish (08088 020 021) and Grief Encounter (0808 802 0111) offer free support for bereaved children and their families, including specific advice for the holiday season.

"How are you?" becomes the hardest question when you are grieving. At Christmas gatherings, you may hear it dozens of times. You do not owe anyone a detailed answer. Some responses that work:

• + "I'm doing OK, thank you for asking."
• + "It's been a tough year, but I'm glad to be here."
• + "I'm managing. Some days are harder than others."
• + "I'd rather not talk about it right now, but thank you."
• + "Honestly? It's really hard. But I appreciate you asking."

Any of these are fine. You get to choose how much you share and with whom.

If you are reading this because someone you care about is dreading Christmas, here are some things that genuinely help:

• + Say their name. Do not avoid mentioning the person who has died. The bereaved person is already thinking about them constantly. Hearing their name spoken by someone else is comforting, not upsetting.
• + Invite them, but do not pressure them. Say "You are welcome to join us. No pressure either way. And if you come, you can leave whenever you want." Then mean it.
• + Check in on the 27th. Everyone remembers Christmas Day. Very few people check in on the days after, when the silence descends. A simple text on 27 December means more than you know.
• + Do not say "they would want you to be happy." Even if it is true, it does not help. It puts pressure on the grieving person to perform happiness for your comfort.

For more guidance, see our article on helping someone grieve.

New Year can be just as hard as Christmas, sometimes harder. The countdown, the "new beginnings" rhetoric, and the question of what you are looking forward to can all feel hollow when you are grieving. Moving into a new year means moving further away from a year when they were alive, and that can bring a fresh wave of sadness.

If midnight feels difficult, you do not have to mark it. Go to bed early, watch a film, or spend it doing something quiet. There is no obligation to celebrate. If you want to mark the occasion, you could light a candle at midnight, write a letter to them, or simply sit with your thoughts. The new year will arrive whether you celebrate or not.